Cicada

 Hi, I am thinking about you, How is Lele? Is she alright? She still cooks for you, right? How is Mama as well? I hope she's okay too

Today, I decided whenever I miss you I will either pray or write a poem  Hopefully through the waters The ocean brings this longing My words hug you I miss you Have you eaten well? Are you sleeping well? Are you still having nightmares? Are you drinking coffee regularly? Are you still swimming?  how is the water? how is your wet hair after swimming? I miss you

 I miss you  amor Am I a monster? or yeah i wanna be with you

Aku menulis ini untuk kamu tempat aku pernah menaruh rindu dan tempat pernah aku didengar dengan haru apa kabarmu adek? semoga kamu adalah segala yang baik yah aku yakin bebanmu lagi berat-beratnya aku tidak terlalu tahu keadaanmu, maka aku berdoa menyerahkan segalanya pada yang menciptakan kamu setelah kamu memberi batas untuk saling bersua setelah itu aku ingin berhenti memberi rindu merawat rindu padamu ingin berhenti untuk menaruhmu dihatiku jadi, aku minta maaf yah aku minta maaf akan segalanya  sudah membuatmu kuatir  malahan menganggu ketenanganmu apalagi di tengah malam aku ingin berhenti memikirkanmu saat aku sedang jatuh lalu tersanduk dan terluka dan ingin bersandar termasuk tadi pukul 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 subuh wajahku dipenuhi sungai yang mengalir tanpa sedikit suara sedang kepalaku berdebat satu sama lain dan ingin aku ledakan saja siapa juga yang bertahan dengan laki-laki seperti ini hancur, remuk, lelah, tak karuan, itu aku yang sekarang sejujurnya, satu-satunya alasa...

at 3 am, I was terrified by a small talk that triggered a bigger debated in my head with my head I wanna blow up my mind and reproduce my memory with blue and green  with the ocean and the mountain with smile-cry with cry-smile with my body and my mind I miss you from the bottom of my heart I miss you I really miss you I wanna hug you  but I cannot hug you I have no idea who the fuck this person is inside of my body, my mind come, come with me ambling along the beach strolling through the forest I wanna be with you I really miss you I miss you that my body collapse without you Oh God, I betrayed and rebelled  against your word against your Son against your Spirit against my spirit that collided with You, O Lord who am i to You? am i Your child? are You my Saviour? am I worth it? are You my good friend? i wait i will wait i am waiting for You, O God I am a mess. Ambon, 26 September 2025