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 daney, if you ever read this: cupcake I miss you

 Hari ini beta di Dreihouse, salah satu cafe yang lumayan fancy dan mahal. Beta datang ke sini karena seng tau mau biking apa di rumah di wayame. Lalu teringat Yusak pung pesan untuk main-main ke sini, karena ada banyak yang manis-manis. hahaha. Tapi, terkait dengan PTSD di depan beta duduk barista sedang membuat kopi. Ada bunyi pukulan, dan beta kaget, karena seperti bunyi bom pica atau lemparan batu. Dulu di atas Batu Merah beta lempari para "Muslim" yang beta anggap musuh. Waktu itu beta masih SD. Dan membunuh untuk pertahanan hidup yang beta pelajari. Demikian catatan PTSD kali ini. Semoga malam ini beta tidak mimpi buruk lagi. 27 Mei 2026

Tepat setahun lalu di hari ini beta menulis surat terakhir untuk kepergian selamanya. Tetapi beta melewati masa-masa pedih itu, dan sekarang beta menulis ini dari rumah di Ambon. Terima kasih untuk segala rasa cinta, rasa sakit, rasa pedih, rasa ditinggalkan, rasa ingin mati, rasa ingin bunuh diri, terima kasih untuk semuanya.  24 Mei, 2026

 I am tired and I am tired and I am tiread and I am tired: depressed

Every day, you are in my mind I miss you every second I pray for you I just wanna see you and hug you, Sleep together until 9.30 am I wanna be with you I miss you

 I can't stop thinking about you my morning and night full of you my sleep and my waking-up is you I love you I wanna hug you, mi amor I am sorry for not treating you well But I am not sorry for my love for meeting you in my dream in my life in the ocean in the morning at 6 am looking at your eyes while gazing you deep and I do love you I wanna meet you again and again holding your hands not one hand but both while hugging and kissing you with all the energy that I have  Daney, I love you my six seconds kiss to you 12th of May

c u p c a k e May, 3rd 2026

 I am very tired with myself :) :(

 Sioo ee Upuu Upuu latu Upuu lanite Upuu rohua Sioo ee au susah sandiri au balisa, pariki ea! ehe e ehenala au tehu hatuai kandio

 Life has not been up and down to me Sometimes it's heavy, most of the time is heavy actually Waking up is hard Sleeping at night is harder, too My brain is flooding with too much emotion and unwanted memories i keep repeat the path of my past sometimes I want crush some people sometimes I want crush my self too I just wanna walk along the beach while holding hands with someone that stay in storm and calm in pain and happiness in life with me no matter what but yeah I don't know I am tired though of my life I wanna stop the time I wanna sleep but wake in the ocean I wanna breath in without having flashbacks I wanna do that and this but with you Geser, 2 April 2026  

 Entah mengapa, tiba-tiba aku merindu  si Januari awal tempat dulu bahu menjadi rindu adek begitulah semoga kamu gembira terus yah bersedihnya tidak banyak-banyak maaf yah sempat menjadi bebanmu menjadi orang yang kurang baik bagimu semangat adek Geser, April 2, 2026

 I am sorry for everything I ask for You to forgive me oh Upuu I was stupid I was depressed with these memories I did not choose to be born to grow between bombs, bullets, violence, abuses, war Give an answer, please I ask for You to forgive me and send me an answer too I don't blame the time, but so far I am not okay Thank you for forgiving me

But  mono, right now, don't got back to me right now, I am just an evil person worst than evil The monster inside me has risen up because of those memories I am sorry I am just wishing you hug me with your eyes your voice your songs your melody your spaghetti kiss your black coffee I am in love with you so much, nothing left though I love you, mono april, 1, 2026

 I did it, again, and again. I hate it, as it hates me inside. Yeah, I know once, she said: "You have a beautiful mind and a good heart." But she left, though, "I can't do it anymore." I don't know how to recover from that. I hate my life fuck off Mono, can you just say hi to me or just hug me please I am begging I wanna go to you left everything behind left Ambon But are you willing to stay with me? at my worst at my best at my nothing I am nothing without you without your love don't leave me please I am begging you You said, "Don't die before me." But, I arleady feel dead inside me, when we broke up I am not dramatising it you know how I am, right right? Please come to me to the ocean only we know I'll be waiting for you as I told you, if it's not you, I won't you know how much I love you Geser, 1 April 2026

 I still smoke a lot, though. Right in the middle of my chest is hurting now. But that's okay, if I die faster, that'd be fine too. Hahaha.  Tonight, I called a friend of mine. Just for talking, practising English, and just want to be listen though, but she's kinda a busy and doing something else. I don't blame her, though. It's her time and her energy. I feel like a burden, though, even now, I somehow beg for somebody's time and energy, even for saying hi and how are you. Many of my close friends have left me, too. Even though they said the opposite, that's how I am feeling. Okay, let's take a bet. I won't text anyone for seven days, and still no one will text me,  unless I text first or post something on social media. So, on April 4th, I will write about it again.  In the past, I didn't really care if someone wasn't calling or texting me or asking how I am. Since I was a child very few times somebody ask how are you? Therefore, I don't ...

 Today, I smoked almost two packs of cigarettes. My chest is hurting, and it's a bit hard to breathe. I want to die. But I miss her too. And she doesn't like cigarettes and beer, either. One day, when I was mad like a tantrum, I drank a beer in front of her, and we had a big argument. I am so sorry for that, amor. However, I did not smoke because of that. I am writing a book about Ambon and Conflict, so I need more energy to manipulate my body, my brain. I hate it, actually, just like I hate my brain that stores all the violent memories. But she said, "My brain is beautiful and kind." But she went, too. I don't know. I am confused and hurt.  I miss you mono.

To be honest, I wanna stop time, I wanna die. I am okay if, after writing, I die. But I don't wanna kill myself, but time.  Most of the night, I pray to God, please kill me, or just take me from this earth. I don't care and am afraid of dying, even spending the rest of my afterlife not in heaven. I am okay with that. I am not lying. I am okay if time takes my life now, or in the next second. I am just tired of everything. I miss her so much. I am suffering from this war, violence, abuse, blood, gunshots, bombs, crying, and I am just tired. Losing her just makes it worse. She's struggling until now. I can feel it. I can feel her. I am feeling that. My love is hurting her so much. My words. My mind. My body. I am really for her. I do love her so much. I wish to see her one more time, one more sunrise, one more cup of coffee, one more kiss, one more hug, one more time with her, and then I am going forever. I miss her, I miss you if you ever read this. Please come to me.  Mama,...

Buru #1 Pukul 23.36, dalam Fery menuju Namlea, tanpa teman. Beta tidak bisa tidur, kepala ingin pecah, ingatan perang mulai bermunculan. Bunyi mesin kapal seakan seperti bunyi kebakaran, atau kadang seperti tembakan. Sama halnya seperti ditinggalkan. Beta air mata tumpah sedikit. Beta ingin berteriak, dan menangis. Tapi beta takut membuat trauma anak kecil di samping beta. Lalu, beta pun tidak ingin menjadi buah bibir dan menjadi pusat perhatian orang-orang di Fery. Sebagian besar mereka semua sudar tidur. Beta tangan agak gemetar, dan kepala pusing, lalu mata ingin menangis. Beta tidak bisa tidur. apalagi karena beta sendirian. beta ingat ketika ke wansar dua kali, setidaknya ada teman, misalnya Iftin dan kaka Riyan. Beta ingin pegang tangan Iftin karena waktu itu dia juga pegang tangan saat dia pusing dan takut karena ombak. Sekarang giliran beta yang ketakutan bukan karena ombak atau gelombang, tapi ingatan-ingatan masa lalu. Kalau pun orang baca ini, pasti ada yang pikir beta berle...

 Almost every night, I pray: God, it's okay to take my life now, or in the morning. I am okay with not waking up. I am just tired, though. But please take care of her. I miss her. I miss her warm eyes, and her hair, and her voice. 

 I miss her I miss you I just wanna hear your voice I am in pain

 we both the ocean only we know I am gazing at you as I walk You are running our feets touch the sand our eyes are hugging our lips are shining our hearts are praying and hoping Let me come home  to the ocean Only we know only two of us only you and me e.m.

 We were a tree grew with wound and pain full of fruits of love before going to sleep i used to read a story book a dreamtime for you how was your sleep last night? I can't read to you again Therefore, I read to my mind close my eyes and imagine the tree that we were amor

Once  A girl told me that 'loving you is easy' but then I am alone now but a deep and even from the surface of me, my heart is you, mono

 now and then, every night, i am crying and crying alone sometimes until 3 am or 4 am sometimes until forever i don't know my body feels strange feel scared fear of losing someone i miss her but i can't talk with her i miss her but i can't pray with her i miss her but my body keeps hurting me i miss her i wanna meet her today i opened g.maps and looking at her house then searched for ticket prices to there but i am afraid when i show up to her she's going to ignore me or leaving me or worst, hate me i miss her i am crying i am crying