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Buru #1 Pukul 23.36, dalam Fery menuju Namlea, tanpa teman. Beta tidak bisa tidur, kepala ingin pecah, ingatan perang mulai bermunculan. Bunyi mesin kapal seakan seperti bunyi kebakaran, atau kadang seperti tembakan. Sama halnya seperti ditinggalkan. Beta air mata tumpah sedikit. Beta ingin berteriak, dan menangis. Tapi beta takut membuat trauma anak kecil di samping beta. Lalu, beta pun tidak ingin menjadi buah bibir dan menjadi pusat perhatian orang-orang di Fery. Sebagian besar mereka semua sudar tidur. Beta tangan agak gemetar, dan kepala pusing, lalu mata ingin menangis. Beta tidak bisa tidur. apalagi karena beta sendirian. beta ingat ketika ke wansar dua kali, setidaknya ada teman, misalnya Iftin dan kaka Riyan. Beta ingin pegang tangan Iftin karena waktu itu dia juga pegang tangan saat dia pusing dan takut karena ombak. Sekarang giliran beta yang ketakutan bukan karena ombak atau gelombang, tapi ingatan-ingatan masa lalu. Kalau pun orang baca ini, pasti ada yang pikir beta berle...

 Almost every night, I pray: God, it's okay to take my life now, or in the morning. I am okay with not waking up. I am just tired, though. But please take care of her. I miss her. I miss her warm eyes, and her hair, and her voice. 

 I miss her I miss you I just wanna hear your voice I am in pain

 we both the ocean only we know I am gazing at you as I walk You are running our feets touch the sand our eyes are hugging our lips are shining our hearts are praying and hoping Let me come home  to the ocean Only we know only two of us only you and me e.m.

 We were a tree grew with wound and pain full of fruits of love before going to sleep i used to read a story book a dreamtime for you how was your sleep last night? I can't read to you again Therefore, I read to my mind close my eyes and imagine the tree that we were amor

Once  A girl told me that 'loving you is easy' but then I am alone now but a deep and even from the surface of me, my heart is you, mono

 now and then, every night, i am crying and crying alone sometimes until 3 am or 4 am sometimes until forever i don't know my body feels strange feel scared fear of losing someone i miss her but i can't talk with her i miss her but i can't pray with her i miss her but my body keeps hurting me i miss her i wanna meet her today i opened g.maps and looking at her house then searched for ticket prices to there but i am afraid when i show up to her she's going to ignore me or leaving me or worst, hate me i miss her i am crying i am crying

 I woke up this morning with nothing. I was nothing, an empty person. Losing her is a tragedy for me. I know I have hurt her so much. I broke her heart and boundaries to the point that she's struggling. There's no  good in the good-bye. Last time, I prayed and kissed her, I was crying. After that, I told her, if you love me, why do you leave me? Since I was a child, people whom I love have left me when I really need them. When I said them, only two people. I broke her heart, I broke my head. What kind of man am I? She used to say, Riko, you are kind, you are good, you are gentle, you have a good heart, and I need and I love you. And, I still broke her heart and soul. I don't think she will love me again. Maybe, she already stop loving me. Maybe, I deserve this. Maybe she is not okay, too. I miss her so much. I am losing her, I am losing myself, a buffer of me and my faith and her. 

 Today I want to write a personal statement for my withdrawal plan from my master's at UQ. I had a very tense and depressed time about this. Some of my friends have graduated, while I am having depression. Trapped in my own brain and its collection of memories, trauma. I am going far, too far away from who I am. I hate this life in here. I wanna go and be with Dani, and just walking on along the beach, hold hands, laughing, sitting and talking, looking at each other. Maybe I have to suffer this, or maybe I was born not to be happy. I miss her. Ambon, 4 February 2026

 Tadi beta agak oversharing pas baku dapa deng teman yang baru balik dari Australia, nanti minggu depan su bale ka sana lai. Beta baku dapa deng dia pas di cafe Midway sekitaran jam 5.30 pm. Lalu beta cerita banyak ke dia, sampe seakan ambel dia dari dia pung tiga orang tamang. Ini menjengkelkan karena oversharing dan merasa jadi beban untuk dia. Ahhh. Tapi sepertinya dia seng merasa begitu. I hope she did not feeling that way. I pray for her, and her journey next week back to Melbourne.  Anw, today is mama's birthday. She's 65 now. Wow. I prayed for her, and her health and mental too. God bless the best and barakate  woman, my mama.  6 Februari 2026

Jadi, karena belakangan ini beta oversharing, yang umum memang bagi orang-orang dengan PTSD. Tetapi belakangan ini, oversharing beta sudah terlalu over. Beberapa orang terjangkit stress, beberapa lain menjauh, beberapa lain juga menuduh, lalu hakimi beta, yang beta sayang pun juga harus pergi dan begitulah.  Makanya, beta nampaknya harus berhenti bercerita pada orang-orang biasa, atau pun beta teman-teman biasa. Sepertinya beta harus menanggung sendirian dan tidak trauma dumping. Artinya, beta harus lebih lagi menyendiri dan menjauh, seperti beta pada masa-masa lalu, atau ketika kuliah. Beta harus lebih melindungi diri, dari ingatan-ingatan dan cerita-cerita yang jadinya beta malahan dihakimi, atau dijadikan bercandaan. Beta pun yang salah, karena menertawakan ingatan-ingatan itu. Beta minta maaf untuk diri sendiri.  Sejak SD, lalu SMP, SMA, sampai kuliah, sebagian besar waktu beta habiskan sendiri. Pulang kaki sendiri, menahan lapar sendiri, berjalan sambil menangis karena se...

 every night, mi amor, I wish a magic happened And you call me And look at me when I fall asleep When I said look, I meant caring, sleep, together Or hug me on your arms I know I am not your son and I don't want to be your son but your man your good man your good boy your good partner your good friend your good thinker your good prayer your good lover your good just yours I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you six seconds  every morning at 9.30 am January, 23rd 1.29 am, iloveyouamor 

 So,  There are two types of me, but I don't wanna say I have two faces I am two types one, is normal Riko with laugh, love, living, life two, is abnormal Riko with traumas, war, violence, pain, and wounds I don't have peace with myself that is one reaons why i got abandon or people tend to chose themself over me I wish one day,  I met with a regular human who can accept me and never ever, ever, leave me staying with me I miss you one day, I'll come back, either alone or with you, I'll come to the ocean that I looked at your warm eyes with brightening and warm sunrise and waves that sound like warm hugs between us in the morning, before I left And you kneeled while looking at me on the boat I love you Yes, I do have two types But my love only has one type: y o u El. M. Ambon, 18 January 2026

 I do miss you and I don't regret to ever and still love you I was treating you not very well as you deserve but I don't regret my love to you I know that my love is till for you still one day, when I am becoming still calm, and having peace I hope you beside me sleep in my arms and protecting each other from every nightmares but also from every separations and I believe the ocean connect us even we don't talk directly but my words and prayers I send through the beach and the wave is sending and bringin my feeling and love to youu I am sorry for making you cry and anxious especially, crossing your boundaries I love youu, my ocean Ambon, 17 January 2026

Today,  I lift my heart to the Almighty, to the Mary the Holiest woman I lift my heart bringing my prayers lift my hopes about you that God allows you to have peace to stay connecting with yourself to love you as Mary loved Jesus Amen my hope my pray Ambon, 16 January 2026, remembering 11.11 and the sunset in our wallpaper, once

 Today, I read a book written by a victim of grooming and abuse. I felt deeply ashamed, scared, and guilty. Some of the parts reminded me of my relationship before, and my traumas. Things that I thought "okay" are not "okay"; worse, I hurt her more than myself. I am deeply sorry for her to be with someone like me, a broken person who does not have peace with himself. I crossed her boundaries, time and time again, and I hid behind my PTSD. I made her feel guilty and "dependent" on me.  Although most of the time when I called her, I wanted to commit suicide. But at the same time, my own sexual desire played a big role in those conversations. One day, she told me that I manipulated her. Then, I punched myself, I punished myself, in front of her. She was traumatised by that. I thought that's normal to do because I am a failure. I hurt her. Then, the feeling of suicide was getting higher.  I really want to kill myself because of the feeling of being useless...

 I got a panic attack,  anxiety attack,  and so on It's stressful my hands are moving my chest is in pain I grabbed my hair and scratched my head I wanna cry out but I am in the middle of the public I am a failure I am failing myself It's hurtful somebody please call me talk to me hug me or just be with me now I wrote this in a cafe Esteh not many people but my head wants to blow up just go having half ciggarette  Januar, 7, 8.13 pm, 2026

 I miss you, until I spent my energy to you think about you but it was not I spent, my energy went but itself  to you, think, talk, remember, feel, deep, touch my heart I do miss you I wanna sleep with you in the night so whenever nightmares wake me up I can see you warm eyes and face and lean on you while kiss your forehead then your lips and going back to sleep again while we hugging I do miss you I do love you I do wanna be with you I do need you I do I do January 7, 2025

 Jadi, hari ini beta belajar satu hal penting untuk pulih, yakni berhenti berbagai luka atau cemas. Tadi ada beberapa teman yang mengatakan "kaka stress terus." Hal ini juga sering dikatakan oleh semua orang lain, kecuali Dani. Itu pun Dani harus menanggung banyak beban karena beta. But anyway, she's doing alright, I hope and wish, pray for that. Jadi, dikarenakan segala beban trauma dan 'pikiran stress' beta belajar untuk tidak membagikannya. Atau setidaknya tidak usah bilang, "beta stress e." Tampkanya hal tersebut membuat orang lain pun terdampak. Jadi, beta gembira.

 Catatan pulih kali ini beta mendapatkan satu hal yang sebenarnya sudah sering diingatkan, yakni, menerima saja tidak cukup, mengampuni juga perlu. Kita perlu mengampuni masa-masa lalu, mengampuni masa-masa sekarang, mengampuni masa-masa mendatang, mengampun diri sendiri, mengampuni yang melukai, mengampuni yang memburu, mengampuni yang juga jahat.  Jadi, beta mengampuni dan menerima beta seapadanya. 

Beta rasa dua hari ini (13-14 Desember) beta menjadi lebih baik dalam menerima, dan belajar membasuh luka-luka ingatan-ingatan itu.

So, today I messed up. I hated the hell out of myself. I just felt shamed and guilty and all kinds of negativity. I was surrounded by trauma, brain fog, and hatred. Semalam, ada teman bertanya kabar tentang beta. Lalu beta berkabar tentang segala salah, trauma, PTSD, perang, dan rencana masa depan. Ini juga menjadi alasan beta merasa cape dan lelah. Sangat lelah. Karena saat bersamaan beta seng benar-benar bisa bersandar pada seseorang. Mungkin Tuhan mau supaya beta bersandar sepenuhnya. Tapi beta pun menjadi Kristen karena kolonialisme. Dan sekarang beta pun dijajah oleh diri sendiri.  Jadi di catatan pulih kali ini beta belajar hal terpenting, yang memang sudah beta pelajari berkali-kali, yakni: rutinitas malam, dan rutinitas pagi sama-sama berimbas pada sepanjang hari yang akan beta lalui. Lalu, beta pun harus hati-hati dalam merasa. Beta harus hati-hati dalam merasakan setiap kali ada orang yang bertanya apa saja. Karena dengan kondisi otak di-retraumatized beta harus menghadap...

 Jika boleh..  aku ingin duduk tenang  sendirian di cafe-cafe tanpa perlu memperhatikan sekitar dan mengamati setiap orang yang ada dan menganalisa setiap benda yang bisa dipakai jika sesekali perang terjadi kepalaku penuh dengan segala pertimbangan sama seperti saat perang 1999 terjadi jika boleh aku ingin hidup dan tumbuh di hutan-hutan dan lautan-lautan setiap pagi memancing,  setiap siang bertani setiap malam tidur di pantai menatap bintang-bintang dan menghirup aroma laut yang amis dan aroma sagu yang harum jika boleh.. aku tumbuh tanpa Kerusuhan Ambon, 11 Desember 2025 (di Sabite)

Jika boleh ... aku mau tidur tanpa bermimpi buruk sembari wajahmu kulihat pada pagi dan pada malam ketika terbangun sesekali aku juga tidak ingin minum obat tidur ini lagi aku juga ingin tidur tanpa kekerasan tanpa air mata tanpa memikirkan hal-hal buruk tanpa teperangkap dalam ingatan-ingatan jahat tanpa bermimpi menjadi penjahat tapi tidak tanpa kamu, amor. Jika boleh... aku ingin punya anak-anak entah dengan siapa sebenarnya ingin denganmu aku ingin membesarkan anak-anak aku ingin jadi ama yang baik oh iya ama itu panggilan ayah dalam bahasa di Maluku Jadi aku ingin jadi ama  yang tenang saat anak menangis yang gembira saat anak-anak butuh ama  yang dipeluk saat pulang lelah aman yang jujur dan suka cita aku ingin punya itu lalu aku teringat: "Carilah dahulu kerajaan Allah dan kebenarnnya, maka semua itu akan ditambahkan padamu." dan aku pun mencari Tuhan dalam jahat-jahatku aku bingung sembari pusing  mengapa Tuhan membiarkan luka-luka kualami saat aku tak berdaya seb...