at 3 am, I was terrified by a small talk

that triggered a bigger debated in my head

with my head

I wanna blow up my mind

and reproduce my memory

with blue and green 

with the ocean and the mountain

with smile-cry

with cry-smile

with my body and my mind

I miss you from the bottom of my heart

I miss you

I really miss you

I wanna hug you 

but I cannot hug you

I have no idea who the fuck this person is

inside of my body, my mind

come,

come with me

ambling along the beach

strolling through the forest

I wanna be with you

I really miss you

I miss you that my body collapse without you

Oh God,

I betrayed and rebelled 

against your word

against your Son

against your Spirit

against my spirit that collided with You, O Lord

who am i to You?

am i Your child?
are You my Saviour?

am I worth it?
are You my good friend?

i wait

i will wait

i am waiting

for You, O God

I am a mess.

Ambon, 26 September 2025