Cicada

Once  A girl told me that 'loving you is easy' but then I am alone now but a deep and even from the surface of me, my heart is you, mono

 now and then, every night, i am crying and crying alone sometimes until 3 am or 4 am sometimes until forever i don't know my body feels strange feel scared fear of losing someone i miss her but i can't talk with her i miss her but i can't pray with her i miss her but my body keeps hurting me i miss her i wanna meet her today i opened g.maps and looking at her house then searched for ticket prices to there but i am afraid when i show up to her she's going to ignore me or leaving me or worst, hate me i miss her i am crying i am crying

 I woke up this morning with nothing. I was nothing, an empty person. Losing her is a tragedy for me. I know I have hurt her so much. I broke her heart and boundaries to the point that she's struggling. There's no  good in the good-bye. Last time, I prayed and kissed her, I was crying. After that, I told her, if you love me, why do you leave me? Since I was a child, people whom I love have left me when I really need them. When I said them, only two people. I broke her heart, I broke my head. What kind of man am I? She used to say, Riko, you are kind, you are good, you are gentle, you have a good heart, and I need and I love you. And, I still broke her heart and soul. I don't think she will love me again. Maybe, she already stop loving me. Maybe, I deserve this. Maybe she is not okay, too. I miss her so much. I am losing her, I am losing myself, a buffer of me and my faith and her. 

 Today I want to write a personal statement for my withdrawal plan from my master's at UQ. I had a very tense and depressed time about this. Some of my friends have graduated, while I am having depression. Trapped in my own brain and its collection of memories, trauma. I am going far, too far away from who I am. I hate this life in here. I wanna go and be with Dani, and just walking on along the beach, hold hands, laughing, sitting and talking, looking at each other. Maybe I have to suffer this, or maybe I was born not to be happy. I miss her. Ambon, 4 February 2026

 Tadi beta agak oversharing pas baku dapa deng teman yang baru balik dari Australia, nanti minggu depan su bale ka sana lai. Beta baku dapa deng dia pas di cafe Midway sekitaran jam 5.30 pm. Lalu beta cerita banyak ke dia, sampe seakan ambel dia dari dia pung tiga orang tamang. Ini menjengkelkan karena oversharing dan merasa jadi beban untuk dia. Ahhh. Tapi sepertinya dia seng merasa begitu. I hope she did not feeling that way. I pray for her, and her journey next week back to Melbourne.  Anw, today is mama's birthday. She's 65 now. Wow. I prayed for her, and her health and mental too. God bless the best and barakate  woman, my mama.  6 Februari 2026