Today, tonight, last morning, during lunch,

I do miss her

but I don't know

maybe love is not for me

as people that loved 

have left

I am just sad

I am not okay

But okaylah

That's life for me

not to be loved

or maybe to be loved

but not together

just alone from a distance

but if you ever read this

please know, amor

I want you to stay

I need you

I am still surviving

but I am afraid of the nightmares

without you

Ambon, 12 November 2025

 Sometimes, it's tough just to sit and start working.

My brain reminds me of the past of violence and abuse

My brain trying her best to stop torturing myself with these memories

Especially, after the one that I love should go

Until now, I can't call her or even get a word from her

It's really hurtful that someone who loves you had to go. 

because she couldn't do any more

we used to call every single day

and send photos: smile, eyes, words, 

or just flirting with each other

we used to call at 9.30 am and pm

11.11 am and pm 

we sent hopes to each other

every moment

but now it's empty

My daily routines are weird

I feel not only alone

but unloved too

at the same time

I do wanna hit myself

because I remember

When I told her, "You are stubborn"

Or when I manipulated her without even knowing it

or just pushed her and fought her

or just exploded at her

or just pulled her with my words and eyes

or just drank beer in front of her

or just being uncontrolled because of my desire

or just wanted her full attention when she was really needed me too

I was not there for her

she's struggling alone

I only think about myself

only me and me

but at the same time

I am studying this conflict resolution not for myself

or maybe not for myself, 

I don't know

Maybe I should listen when someone said:
"Why study this? Don't be too idealistic"

But what if someone burns my church again?

Or what if my mom was hurting in the market? 

Or one of my Sunday school students needed to sleep and hide under the bed, just like me, when I was a child?

What if... this

what if... that

I don't know

Now, I miss her so much

hermosa

but

Being long-distance was hard

But misunderstanding each other was way harder

about the Cupcake

We agreed to say that when we need a reminder to not leave each other, 

and still love each other

"Cupcake"

"I love you, and not leaving you, today, this morning, tonight, or tomorrow"

Now even the saying "Haii" feels impossible

I cannot even listen to her voice anymore

damn, that's sad and sad and sad and sad

just sad

My tears, probably I won't have it again. I need more water in my eyes. 

Today is the 11th month, and the day is the 11th, where 11.11 reminds me of her so much. 

My chest is in pain, not only because of that, but maybe because of the nicotine that I am taking to interrupt those memories from the past

I don't know, but I know I still love her, I love you mi amor, el monito :)

I just wanna hug you and lean on you

Or just call you and sleep together again

So when I got nightmares and waking up every night,

I can see your warm eyes and calm face

Ambon, 11 November 2025

 Dan burung-burung terbang

menari di udara dan pohon-pohon belakang rumah

pagi datang dengan cerah

sedikit hujan saat petang

sepertinya dunia sedang bersiap-siap

menyambut kedatangan aku

yang sedang haru

melihat hidup yang memburu seperti rindu

setidak-tidaknya, menarilah bersamaku

saat hujan dan pagi tumbuh

saat hari menjadi layu

tetapi rindu terus memburu

pada air biru

pada daun-daun hijau

pada lautan pasifik yang membentang di depan Andes

di samping jendela rumahmu

hermosa

 I send my love

words, hugs, kisses, 

through the ocean that Only we know

to the Pacific Ocean

Being tiring is okay though, 

every one needs time to just breathe 

without thinking about tomorrow

or

rely on the heaven power

or the Upuu

I am tired

so rely on you

 Last night, I argued with a past story

someone that I used rely on

she told me that and this

Basically: "I did not care about other feelings and opinions. And I (me) don't want to confront my trauma... and she did not leave me, but she chose herself over me, because she's worth it"

I've heard this many, many times before, especially from another girl that I used to call at 9.30 am, and pm

Maybe I am like that

Ambon, November 3rd, 2025

suatu waktu bapa membawa lima ekor ikan lema 

lima ikan ini ditangkap saat gelombang timur sedang bergelora

bapa hanya bisa menangkap lima ikan

soalnya saat menjaring lebih banyak botol plastik di lautan

dan ikan-ikan tidak bisa makan plastik

saat lautan mulai tenang, bapa lalu pulang

di depan pantai, mama menunggu dengan resah dan bahagia

perahu bapa semakin mendekat

sembari memberi senyum hangat ke pantai

bapa bersyukur karena bagi bapa, berapa pun ikan yang ditangkap

kembali dengan selamat di pelukan mama dan kedua anak adalah yang paling utama 

mama berkata dalam hati: “tete manis, danke banya beta suami su sampe.”

lalu,

bapa dan mama mendorong perahu ke pantai

mereka berdua berjalan ke rumah

sesampai di rumah, kedua anak berlari kegirangan melihat lima ekor ikan yang ditangkap oleh papa

si adek berkata: “yeahhh bawa pulang ikang e!’

si kaka berkata: “beta papa paling hebat e bisa tangkap ikan!”

 mereka lalu memeluk papa meski hanya sebentar

soalnya papa bilang: “jang polo papa lama-lama, papa ada bobo anyer ikan deng air masing.”

si adek menjawab: “seng apa papa, kan beta bangga deng papa.”

si kaka lanjut berkata: “iyo papa e, kaka jua e bangga deng bapa, barang bapa su bawa ikang ini. kaka sah tangkap ikang di kali, seng dapa-dapa.” 

dari kejauhan mama tersenyum melihat suaminya dan anak-anak saling bercerita dengan penuh cinta. dalam hatinya, mama sangat bersyukur karena mama tahu, bau anyer ikan dan air masing itu berasal dari gelombang timur yang membasahi tubuh kekasihnya, hanya untuk mengasapi dapur mereka.

papa lalu berkata: “ade deng kaka, dong dua bawa ikang 2 ekor ini ka ibu pendeta rumah e. bilang itu papa tangkap tadi malam. jang lupa bilang terima kasih untuk ibu pendeta e.”

lalu si ade dan kaka, masing-masing membawa satu ikan ke ibu pdt. 

sedangkan mama lalu ke dapur dan membuat satu beker kopi hitam panas, tanpa gula. sejak dulu mama memang selalu membuat kopi tanpa gula untuk papa. soalnya suatu kali, bapa pernah berkata ke mama: “ma, memang kopi ini akang pahit e, maar tiap kali papa minum lalu lia mama pung senyum,

kopi ini akang manis lebih dari sagu gula lai.” “hayo e, papa pung kata-kata ini e…” mama tersenyum tersipu malu. 

saat kedua anak sudah membawa 2 ikan ke rumah pendeta, papa lalu pergi ke dapur mengikuti mama. sesampai di dapur, mama sudah menyiapkan kopi hitam panas, dan dua buah lempeng sagu. 

mama berkata: “papa, mari colo sagu dua ini dolo. sambil beta asar ikang tiga ekor itu”

papa menjawab: “danke mama manis.”

“hayoeee laki-laki laipose e.” mama menjawab

papa tersenyum mendengar itu. lalu papa berkata lagi: “mama mari lalu katong berdoa di meja makan lalu katong makan sagu ini sama-sama. Katong berdoa e:. 

Tuhan Yesus, danke su antar pulang beta sampai selamat dari cari berkat di laut. danke su kasi katong makanan yang cukup. berkati katong keluarga. dalam nama Tuhan Yesus amin.”

yang tidak diketahui papa dan mama, kalau si adek dan kaka dari tadi sudah datang dan melihat kedua orang tuanya berdoa bersama-sama di meja makan sambil berpegang tangan. si adek dan kaka tersenyum manis melihat itu.

“Selamat makan, papa dan mama!”

begitu cerita keajabian-keajabian dari lima roti dan dua lempeng sagu. 

 I miss you

Amor

Ambon, Ocotber 27, 2025

cause the book is the best place for making love

I wanna read you

when the sun is rising

when the sun is sinking

and the moon and stars are dancing

I wanna read you

when the tears

and the laughs

"cupcake"

hermosa

Ambon, October 25, 2025

 as I grew up

became thirty

a child is still crying

being alone

in the middle of the night

at the corner

in the bathroom

alone 

people that love him

are leaving 

he's alone

October 25, 2025