I don't know

 Sometimes, it's tough just to sit and start working.

My brain reminds me of the past of violence and abuse

My brain trying her best to stop torturing myself with these memories

Especially, after the one that I love should go

Until now, I can't call her or even get a word from her

It's really hurtful that someone who loves you had to go. 

because she couldn't do any more

we used to call every single day

and send photos: smile, eyes, words, 

or just flirting with each other

we used to call at 9.30 am and pm

11.11 am and pm 

we sent hopes to each other

every moment

but now it's empty

My daily routines are weird

I feel not only alone

but unloved too

at the same time

I do wanna hit myself

because I remember

When I told her, "You are stubborn"

Or when I manipulated her without even knowing it

or just pushed her and fought her

or just exploded at her

or just pulled her with my words and eyes

or just drank beer in front of her

or just being uncontrolled because of my desire

or just wanted her full attention when she was really needed me too

I was not there for her

she's struggling alone

I only think about myself

only me and me

but at the same time

I am studying this conflict resolution not for myself

or maybe not for myself, 

I don't know

Maybe I should listen when someone said:
"Why study this? Don't be too idealistic"

But what if someone burns my church again?

Or what if my mom was hurting in the market? 

Or one of my Sunday school students needed to sleep and hide under the bed, just like me, when I was a child?

What if... this

what if... that

I don't know

Now, I miss her so much

hermosa

but

Being long-distance was hard

But misunderstanding each other was way harder

about the Cupcake

We agreed to say that when we need a reminder to not leave each other, 

and still love each other

"Cupcake"

"I love you, and not leaving you, today, this morning, tonight, or tomorrow"

Now even the saying "Haii" feels impossible

I cannot even listen to her voice anymore

damn, that's sad and sad and sad and sad

just sad

My tears, probably I won't have it again. I need more water in my eyes. 

Today is the 11th month, and the day is the 11th, where 11.11 reminds me of her so much. 

My chest is in pain, not only because of that, but maybe because of the nicotine that I am taking to interrupt those memories from the past

I don't know, but I know I still love her, I love you mi amor, el monito :)

I just wanna hug you and lean on you

Or just call you and sleep together again

So when I got nightmares and waking up every night,

I can see your warm eyes and calm face

Ambon, 11 November 2025