Cicada

The most hard thing is, when I feel down, and you are not there anymore I am alone

 sometimes, loving yourself more than the person you love isn't easy You may leave her because of yourself probably, that's why love isn't happiness I do love her more than myself

 Today, tonight, last morning, during lunch, I do miss her but I don't know maybe love is not for me as people that loved  have left I am just sad I am not okay But okaylah That's life for me not to be loved or maybe to be loved but not together just alone from a distance but if you ever read this please know, amor I want you to stay I need you I am still surviving but I am afraid of the nightmares without you Ambon, 12 November 2025

 Sometimes, it's tough just to sit and start working. My brain reminds me of the past of violence and abuse My brain trying her best to stop torturing myself with these memories Especially, after the one that I love should go Until now, I can't call her or even get a word from her It's really hurtful that someone who loves you had to go.  because she couldn't do any more we used to call every single day and send photos: smile, eyes, words,  or just flirting with each other we used to call at 9.30 am and pm 11.11 am and pm  we sent hopes to each other every moment but now it's empty My daily routines are weird I feel not only alone but unloved too at the same time I do wanna hit myself because I remember When I told her, "You are stubborn" Or when I manipulated her without even knowing it or just pushed her and fought her or just exploded at her or just pulled her with my words and eyes or just drank beer in front of her or just being uncontrolled because o...

 Dan burung-burung terbang menari di udara dan pohon-pohon belakang rumah pagi datang dengan cerah sedikit hujan saat petang sepertinya dunia sedang bersiap-siap menyambut kedatangan aku yang sedang haru melihat hidup yang memburu seperti rindu setidak-tidaknya, menarilah bersamaku saat hujan dan pagi tumbuh saat hari menjadi layu tetapi rindu terus memburu pada air biru pada daun-daun hijau pada lautan pasifik yang membentang di depan Andes di samping jendela rumahmu hermosa

 I send my love words, hugs, kisses,  through the ocean that Only we know to the Pacific Ocean

Being tiring is okay though,  every one needs time to just breathe  without thinking about tomorrow or rely on the heaven power or the Upuu I am tired so rely on you

 Last night, I argued with a past story someone that I used rely on she told me that and this Basically: "I did not care about other feelings and opinions. And I (me) don't want to confront my trauma... and she did not leave me, but she chose herself over me, because she's worth it" I've heard this many, many times before, especially from another girl that I used to call at 9.30 am, and pm Maybe I am like that Ambon, November 3rd, 2025

suatu waktu bapa membawa lima ekor ikan lema   lima ikan ini ditangkap saat gelombang timur sedang bergelora bapa hanya bisa menangkap lima ikan soalnya saat menjaring lebih banyak botol plastik di lautan dan ikan-ikan tidak bisa makan plastik saat lautan mulai tenang, bapa lalu pulang di depan pantai, mama menunggu dengan resah dan bahagia perahu bapa semakin mendekat sembari memberi senyum hangat ke pantai bapa bersyukur karena bagi bapa, berapa pun ikan yang ditangkap kembali dengan selamat di pelukan mama dan kedua anak adalah yang paling utama   mama berkata dalam hati: “tete manis, danke banya beta suami su sampe.” lalu, bapa dan mama mendorong perahu ke pantai mereka berdua berjalan ke rumah sesampai di rumah, kedua anak berlari kegirangan melihat lima ekor ikan yang ditangkap oleh papa si adek berkata: “yeahhh bawa pulang ikang e!’ si kaka berkata: “beta papa paling hebat e bisa tangkap ikan!”   mereka lalu memeluk papa meski hanya sebentar soalnya papa bilang: “j...