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Jadi, karena belakangan ini beta oversharing, yang umum memang bagi orang-orang dengan PTSD. Tetapi belakangan ini, oversharing beta sudah terlalu over. Beberapa orang terjangkit stress, beberapa lain menjauh, beberapa lain juga menuduh, lalu hakimi beta, yang beta sayang pun juga harus pergi dan begitulah.  Makanya, beta nampaknya harus berhenti bercerita pada orang-orang biasa, atau pun beta teman-teman biasa. Sepertinya beta harus menanggung sendirian dan tidak trauma dumping. Artinya, beta harus lebih lagi menyendiri dan menjauh, seperti beta pada masa-masa lalu, atau ketika kuliah. Beta harus lebih melindungi diri, dari ingatan-ingatan dan cerita-cerita yang jadinya beta malahan dihakimi, atau dijadikan bercandaan. Beta pun yang salah, karena menertawakan ingatan-ingatan itu. Beta minta maaf untuk diri sendiri.  Sejak SD, lalu SMP, SMA, sampai kuliah, sebagian besar waktu beta habiskan sendiri. Pulang kaki sendiri, menahan lapar sendiri, berjalan sambil menangis karena se...

 every night, mi amor, I wish a magic happened And you call me And look at me when I fall asleep When I said look, I meant caring, sleep, together Or hug me on your arms I know I am not your son and I don't want to be your son but your man your good man your good boy your good partner your good friend your good thinker your good prayer your good lover your good just yours I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you six seconds  every morning at 9.30 am January, 23rd 1.29 am, iloveyouamor 

 So,  There are two types of me, but I don't wanna say I have two faces I am two types one, is normal Riko with laugh, love, living, life two, is abnormal Riko with traumas, war, violence, pain, and wounds I don't have peace with myself that is one reaons why i got abandon or people tend to chose themself over me I wish one day,  I met with a regular human who can accept me and never ever, ever, leave me staying with me I miss you one day, I'll come back, either alone or with you, I'll come to the ocean that I looked at your warm eyes with brightening and warm sunrise and waves that sound like warm hugs between us in the morning, before I left And you kneeled while looking at me on the boat I love you Yes, I do have two types But my love only has one type: y o u El. M. Ambon, 18 January 2026

 I do miss you and I don't regret to ever and still love you I was treating you not very well as you deserve but I don't regret my love to you I know that my love is till for you still one day, when I am becoming still calm, and having peace I hope you beside me sleep in my arms and protecting each other from every nightmares but also from every separations and I believe the ocean connect us even we don't talk directly but my words and prayers I send through the beach and the wave is sending and bringin my feeling and love to youu I am sorry for making you cry and anxious especially, crossing your boundaries I love youu, my ocean Ambon, 17 January 2026

Today,  I lift my heart to the Almighty, to the Mary the Holiest woman I lift my heart bringing my prayers lift my hopes about you that God allows you to have peace to stay connecting with yourself to love you as Mary loved Jesus Amen my hope my pray Ambon, 16 January 2026, remembering 11.11 and the sunset in our wallpaper, once

 Today, I read a book written by a victim of grooming and abuse. I felt deeply ashamed, scared, and guilty. Some of the parts reminded me of my relationship before, and my traumas. Things that I thought "okay" are not "okay"; worse, I hurt her more than myself. I am deeply sorry for her to be with someone like me, a broken person who does not have peace with himself. I crossed her boundaries, time and time again, and I hid behind my PTSD. I made her feel guilty and "dependent" on me.  Although most of the time when I called her, I wanted to commit suicide. But at the same time, my own sexual desire played a big role in those conversations. One day, she told me that I manipulated her. Then, I punched myself, I punished myself, in front of her. She was traumatised by that. I thought that's normal to do because I am a failure. I hurt her. Then, the feeling of suicide was getting higher.  I really want to kill myself because of the feeling of being useless...

 I got a panic attack,  anxiety attack,  and so on It's stressful my hands are moving my chest is in pain I grabbed my hair and scratched my head I wanna cry out but I am in the middle of the public I am a failure I am failing myself It's hurtful somebody please call me talk to me hug me or just be with me now I wrote this in a cafe Esteh not many people but my head wants to blow up just go having half ciggarette  Januar, 7, 8.13 pm, 2026

 I miss you, until I spent my energy to you think about you but it was not I spent, my energy went but itself  to you, think, talk, remember, feel, deep, touch my heart I do miss you I wanna sleep with you in the night so whenever nightmares wake me up I can see you warm eyes and face and lean on you while kiss your forehead then your lips and going back to sleep again while we hugging I do miss you I do love you I do wanna be with you I do need you I do I do January 7, 2025