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 Today, I read a book written by a victim of grooming and abuse. I felt deeply ashamed, scared, and guilty. Some of the parts reminded me of my relationship before, and my traumas. Things that I thought "okay" are not "okay"; worse, I hurt her more than myself. I am deeply sorry for her to be with someone like me, a broken person who does not have peace with himself. I crossed her boundaries, time and time again, and I hid behind my PTSD. I made her feel guilty and "dependent" on me. 

Although most of the time when I called her, I wanted to commit suicide. But at the same time, my own sexual desire played a big role in those conversations. One day, she told me that I manipulated her. Then, I punched myself, I punished myself, in front of her. She was traumatised by that. I thought that's normal to do because I am a failure. I hurt her. Then, the feeling of suicide was getting higher. 

I really want to kill myself because of the feeling of being useless, unwanted, unloved, and like a monster or trash.  I am, I was, I am a monster created by war, violence, abuse, war, hatred, pain and wounds. That monster was wake up when I was with her because of what I studied. I know, I sound like "use" or just "blame" everything due to my past (PTSD). So, just like the book said, "someone who has not made peace with himself..." That someone could be me. 

Now, I know why her boundaries are really important for her. For her to stay connected with her love, her soul, her body, and everything. I had crossed her boundaries, time and time, again and again, until I hurt her deeply, sharply. 

Even if today, after writing this, and a car hits me, and I'll die, then go to hell, I am okay with it. I deserve hell, because I hurt someone that I love so much. I wanna die not because of the 'shame' of my past, but because of 'I deserve' to be vanished or just get punished every single minute. 

If you ever read this, I am really sorry for loving you not the way love should be... Thank you so much for being so kind and kind and kind and lovely to me. 

God, allows me to die, or just kill me already. I am okay with it. 

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