I wanna stop the Time

To be honest, I wanna stop time, I wanna die. I am okay if, after writing, I die. But I don't wanna kill myself, but time.  Most of the night, I pray to God, please kill me, or just take me from this earth. I don't care and am afraid of dying, even spending the rest of my afterlife not in heaven. I am okay with that. I am not lying. I am okay if time takes my life now, or in the next second. I am just tired of everything. I miss her so much. I am suffering from this war, violence, abuse, blood, gunshots, bombs, crying, and I am just tired. Losing her just makes it worse. She's struggling until now. I can feel it. I can feel her. I am feeling that. My love is hurting her so much. My words. My mind. My body. I am really for her. I do love her so much. I wish to see her one more time, one more sunrise, one more cup of coffee, one more kiss, one more hug, one more time with her, and then I am going forever. I miss her, I miss you if you ever read this. Please come to me. 

Mama, jika beta mati nanti. Tolong kasi pake beta kameja itang deng calana itam yang jaga beta pake ka gareja. Lalu seng usah kasi beta pake spatu lai. Jang isi apa-apa selain beta pung badang sah dalang be pung peti. Lalu beta peti tolong nanti jang dong bali, tapi pake peti dolo-dolo yang jaga orang-orang biking. Peti sederhana dari kayo-kayo biasa yang capat par busu sah. Jang ada orang yang foto deng beta pung tubu kalau su dalang peti e. Jang taru alkitab, minya wangi, deng laeng-laeng e. Beta mau beta pung tubu deng baju gareja saja dalang peti mati itu. Lalu nanti jang bilang beta meninggal, tapi bilang beta mati saja. Kan Tuhan Yesus seng pernah meninggal to, tapi Antua mati. Pas waktu ibada pemakaman nanti seng perlu tunggu lama-lama. Kal bisa hari itu tanang, langsung tanang saja. Seng usa pake formali di beta beta badang. Lalu, waktu ibada jang vokal grup talalu banya lai e. cukup satu kaseng dua saja. Beta seng suka orang-orang manyanyi panjang pas mati, tapi pas waktu beta hidup seng manyanyi. Hahaha. Kalau beta pung buku-buku nanti sumbang sah ka tamang-tamang Maluku Peduli, untuk buku anak-anak deng adat-adat serta tentang Maluku harus masi samua par Taman Baca Keta. Katong harus bangun Maluku dari sala satu daerah paling timur di pulau seram. Itu saja. danke.